My Diary

The mistakes we MAKE

The other day, while on my trip to London with dear friends, I said something as a joke that I didn't realise was taken offensively. I feel so terrible! I am so oblivious sometimes...I need to work on having a filter and thinking about the things I say before they come out of my mouth. Jesus. I apologised a lot and she said it's fine but I feel like a dummy. Everybody makes mistakes I suppose.

So I finished the assingment that was plaguing me all week, damn syntax... x bar theory. Soooooo annoying and mind numbingly tiring. It's over for now at least. I also have a wonderful trip to Prague with my friends coming up in March, I've never been there!!! It's so exciting. I love planning things and I love my friends.
Not really much to update today, listening to some good tunes, reflecting on my mistakes and vowing to be a better person every single day. Lately I've been worried that I'm too clingy, maybe I come across as needy? That's probably my worst fear as an 'avoidant' personality type...Working on it... nothing wrong with loving people. That's for damn sureeeeee. I need to clean my shower also. Ciao.

OH!!! P.S.... the other night I rewatched Disobedience, god Rachel Weisz is so hot and so tall dark and handsome. That scene when they're in the house and Lovesong by The Cure comes on the radio is burned into my mind. So sensual and passionate and repressed. Those are like my favourite adjectives ever. If you look like Rachel Weisz, please e-mail me. See below for super hot gif. BYE!!!

Nostalgic Memories & The Eternal Orgasm

I feel better than I did earlier evidently. I was in bed all day after the big weekend trip, recovering from clubbing and drinking and getting no sleep. It was such an amazing trip, but of course threw my brain chem off.

The need to write this entry though is because I was thinking about my ex girlfriend and the amazing sex we used to have. I miss her body, and the way it felt when she was under me. I wanna ride someone again. That could possibly fix me. UGH. We had the most intimate sex ever the last time, she literally felt like velvet inside me, and our kissing was so on another planet. I don't really miss her but I do miss that connection. I came so hard thinking about it today. I miss eating her out and looking into her eyes as she came. I miss how she'd talk me through it, it was always so hard for me, always thinking about everything, how I looked, how I sounded, overanalysing. She was so sweet and gentle. If I hadn't been so fucked in the head it might actually have worked out.

The orgasm as an event/feeling is ever so intriguing to me. I was a chronic masturbator as a teenager, not in a loserish way though. It didn't stop me from having a great social life and a girlfriend and having real sex but it was definitely a thing that I was. I used to have this romantic dream, standing on a pier on a summer day. The sea breeze blowing strands of my hair around. I'd be wearing a hat, and a dress for once, and I'd be holding down the brim of the hat with one hand and waving with the other. The salty air would be so crisp and there'd be droplets of water on the railing. Then, there she'd be, in a blue and white uniform, running to me. She'd pull me into a kiss so destabalising that I'd fall into her arms and she'd hold me strong and fast. It would be a singular, unforgettable moment, something that I would always remember each little detail of. Where's my sailor now???????

I do have a lot to be grateful for, and horny for. I won't delete my previous diary entry because it is how I felt at the time. But I think I'll be okay for now.

The Failure To Be Human

There was a storm this morning. It was too loud and depressed me to no end. I don't know if I'm depressed, maybe just a fundamentally broken person...no optimism. Is it a failure to be a person like other people? What happens when you give a fuck way too much. Who knows. I can't be myself about anything. Do I deserve to be loved? Do I have self worth issues????? Why do I feel like a fundamentally repulsive & detestable girl. Maybe wanting someone to care is what makes me a person. Maybe that's a fundamentally human trait. Maybe people do care, but even If they do, who or what are they supposed to care about when I can't even be vulnerable. Everytime I try to be honest or open up it backfires in the most humiliatingly disgusting ways. If that's not a sign from the universe I don't know what is. Can't really do anything right. Of course having the urge to hurt myself that never goes away, not acting on it. Maybe the one thing that stops me from the narcissism of self harm is the narcissism of not wanting to make myself uglier than has already been done. Even the act of writing on this public website is disgustingly self obsessed. Does anyone 'deserve' anything really? Probably not. Understanding why things are the way they are does nothing to help in fixing them either. Feels like my entire existence is one humiliation after another. The world is so absurd that it can't be reality. Things can't possibly be this way for real. I'm lonely and aching and terrible. The lonliness goes so deep I don't think it can ever be cured. I think that is the way it is. and that fits perfectly in with the complete absurdity of the planet. Like if I died, I wouldn't really die, because that would all be part of the plan. My soul or 'being' would be transferred to another reality? Maybe and hopefully less absurd and terrible? Is that possible or is it another symptom of the rotting that happens inside of my body? Maybe this is a hidden prayer. No optimism today, sorry. I love my friends though, and drawing, and dancing, and reading, and when it's sunny outside. but my entire existence is a humiliation. The foundation is missing.
I like the story about the girl who grows up and nothing bad ever happens to her. and she's okay. and nothing bad ever happens to her but if it does she knows what to do and there's someone there to hold her and tell her it will be alright. and she's plain but people love her anyways. and she loves other people too and there is someone that loves her especially and takes care of her and she takes care of them...

Back to the monotony

I am depressed today, more so than usual. Everything hurts and I'm remembering all the times I did and said stupid things...I'm on my period but I feel like that can't be used as an excuse for everytime I feel bad. On top of all that I can't even be vulnerable in my own diary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm stressed about everything... my birthday hurt especially hard this year and at risk of sounding teenagery I won't say why (family). My usual optimism is still here but I feel useless...plain and boring. Last evening I attempted to draw like I used to...nothing came out but flat and stiff lines that formed no discernable shape. I feel like worse than everyone but also better than everyone at the same time. There is a word for that: narcissist. I'm going to make a conscious effort to be less of one this year.

No have not being doing 'the thing' thankfully, even though I want to almost every day. NO with age it does not go away. I'm terrified of accidentally stumbling upon my real self. That would be scary and too revealing. And I don't believe in therapy, or psychiatry, or really any type of take this and you'll be less crazy method...but all will be well...I feel it all coming together.

Films watched lately in FEB, terrible Canadian flick 88, so bleh so boring.
Cronenberg Maps to the stars: okay, mia wasikowska is redeeming, Still not as good as crash.
Ammonite: Kate Winslet really hot as the stoic fossil collector, didn't do much for me overall.
The Painted Veil: read the book, thought it was pretty decent, quite loved the film. I love the concept of not really knowing someone until you've both hated and loved them. Chinese landscape is also beautiful.
Heathers: Classic, funny, great, super hot Christian Slater (I wish he was a woman), super cute Winona, lovely colours etc.
Desert Hearts: Okay, I like western stuff, I like long winding roads in the desert, I like women. Kissing is nice. Okay story.
Late Bloomers: Bleh too long, and the butche's haircut was so terrible.
Hard Truths: it depressed me but I kind of understood it. I don't want to be an angry person...

Okay final part, weekend plans, Thursday night meeting Ava, Friday everyone else, Saturday Ava again and then Connor, Sunday long walk (at least 2 hours).

The Golden Gate Bridge (I've never been there)

Been so busy lately, started a new job at the theatre. It's okay but sometimes I hate dragging myself out of bed to go. Been listening to a lot of PJ Harvey. I am going to drink a bottle of wine tonight! Things in my life I once thought impossible have all come true. A LOT TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. So close to getting my drivers license too. So many people to get to know and in getting to know you get to know yourself too and isn't that great. Haven't been drawing enough. Or reading enough. No romance in sight (only because I sabotaged it at every turn...), need to lose a few kilos. STOP SMOKING!!!!!! Smoking is really my greatest vice. David Lynch said It is one of life's simple pleasures. I love the way it smells, I love inhaling it. Too bad it literally turns my lungs black. A nasty habit = my mother's words.

I read a piece from the New Yorker (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/10/13/jumpers) a few months back and I have thought about that damned bridge every day since. I have to go to that bridge someday...Song of today is of course the Sleater-Kinney masterpiece 'Jumpers' which has been one of my favourite songs for years, long before I found out it was based on the aforementioned article. This song makes me feel so sad...Thinking of all the people who felt That was the only way out. Cold water... the human spirit is truly elusive and unconquerable as well as impossible to make sense of.

Whiskey & Coke

A little drunk on whiskey and coke. Contemplating a bad situation I may have gotten myself into. Feeling strange and floaty and detached. Want snack. and another drink. AU REVOIR.

Beauty

Lately (well all the time) I've been thinking about how much beauty means to me, and how much it should mean to EVERYONE!!! When I talk about beauty I don't mean in terms of people, but instead how to make our surroundings more beautiful. In DUBLIN they are currently knocking down one of the mainstreet buildings to rebuild it, and the proposed plans for the new building are to me, and evidently many others, ugly, souless, corportate ugliness. People should care! If we continue to let all of these circlejerk cunts build our cities and towns into horrible grey 'modern' metropolises we don't stand a chance. Of course there's bigger issues in the world, there always is. What I'm saying is it matters what people see when they step outside. People have the right to beautiful surroundings that are pleasing to the eye. Beautiful surroundings can inspire someone and make people happy! When I say this I especially mean working class areas, which of course have been neglected the most in this urban expansion. Everyone deserves beauty. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things it matters a lot more than most people think. Small rant over...

My wonderful life

The fans going cuz it's like 25 degrees right now. I'm painting my nails this glitter blue colour. I feel nostalgic, longing-y and weird. I think I may have to break whatever it is off with the girl I've been tirelessly battling with for about a year now. I hate her so much sometimes but I can't help still wanting her. I think she's my soulmate.. I think she's bad for me. I FLOODED MY CUTICLES FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a dummy. What do I even do in this situation. I don't know cuz i'm an idiot. Just gonna smoke about it. and yeah i need to stop smoking.

THE DAY IS PREGNANT!!

Today feels like it has the possiblity of being a good day, maybe a day where something great could happen. I'm in a good mood. I slept well, had a decent breakfast (tuna egg salad) and I plan to spend the afternoon doing absolutely nothing. Tonight I have plans to see Jane Weaver with my friend and I hope it's good, I also hope we don't get too drunk to enjoy it, which sometimes happens.
Yesterday I had a job interview in the early morning and an exam in the late afternoon. The exam went terribly, I felt for the first time in a long time that I really fucked myself over. I had been so exhausted I barely looked at the class material, hoping I could just wing it and pass. Unfortunately it's starting to look like I may get a pretty bad mark on it. It's only about a third of the class percentage so I'm just hoping my amazing essays carry me through.
Uncharacteristcally, I've been dreaming of romance lately, for the first time in a long time. I wish I could conjure up my past charasmatic self to take over my body when I'm out tonight, but it's looking doubtful. I've been feeling so not like myself, insecure and small, which I hate.
where's the Person who will sweep me off my feet? If I had to fill out an application it would say this: average height, nice tits, great hair, only a little bit arrogant, fun (?), hasn't shaved pits since 2020.
ANY TAKERS????