My Diary

Friday

Dearest dearest diary, it has been nine days. The letter to my ex did come of something...something WORSE. I don't know why I feel like I need her whenever I'm at my lowest. It's horrible. She treated me so terribly that it's hard to believe I, as a lady with the utmost respect for myself, allowed her to do that. I've humiliated myself in regards to her so many times, but still I feel the string between us is strong... How do I relinquish her evilness from my life? She messaged me after she got my letter, talking about how she was in Munich and thinking of me ever so tenderly...I was once again pulled in by her beautiful and ultimately sadistic distraction. We texted a little bit, I, trying my best to be so cool and whatever. Eventually the conversation got to Charlotte. For those who are not 'In the Know'...Charlotte was my exes previous boss (36 yrs old, husband, KIDS...) who started a completely inappropriate sexual relationship with her that led to my ex being fired from her last job. I'm embarrassed to say that while my ex and I were still friends I spent many an evening comforting her heartbreak (I had been the one to break up with her, after all). Anyways my curiosity got the best of me and I asked the ex about her, which was met with silence. So fuck her and that australian turbohitlerdyke. It could be so easy to double text, or apologise, a part of me wants to (the nature of my relationship with her when we were together was that I always felt like I had to apologise for wanting to be vulnerable, any type of intimacy, any type of self respect...), well, old habits die hard. I can't even say I wish her the best, because I don't. I want her to hurt the way she hurt me, or I suppose she already does, who cares. Never date an English law student ladies...her emotional terrorism must end for good.

In more positive news, I am EMPLOYED...dramatic fanfare please. The job is okay. Of course it has always been my dream to stack shelves. Harhar. I've been rewatching Orphan Black, fun show, love science fiction stuff kinda. Tonight we will PARTY LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW, DANCE LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING. I feel good, silly, girlish, I keep pushing my glasses up my nose and reading like I must absorb it all. I like to be charming, I like to be winsome. I am a charming, winsome sort of girl I think. Last week I wanted the planet to explode, today I say, 'Explode it next week,' If I don't have a tall, strong, silent woman of significant means grinding on me by the end of the night then yeah sure, fire the laserbeams. WHO ELSE IS EXCITED FOR HALLOWEEN? Truly my favourite holiday. The occult, autumn leaves, werewolves and of course my favourite monsters, vampires. Albert Camus did say, Autumn is like a second spring, where every falling leaf is a flower...How lovely. Maybe for a special halloween edition of the diary I will talk about vampires and my deep love of them. That would be fun since I've probably absorbed every single vampire book, movie, tv show that has ever been made. For now, good evening dear diary, KEEP WELL!

Song of the day is Juliet Of The Spirits by the B52s, a great song, based on the incredible Fellini film of the same name. Juliet ventures into the spirit world, and learns more about herself, her past, DISCOVERS HER OWN SECRET POWER THAT WAS THERE ALL ALONG. Hey whoever's reading this, did you know that secrets you kept should all be told, like blossoms ready to unfold, CUZ PLEASURE IS CALLING YOU. DON'T BE AFRAID ANYMORE.

WEDNESDAY

Last night met friends for pints and was repeatedly told I need to have sexual intercourse as soon as possible because I was being 'too uptight'. To be frank, I was being uptight, but only because I'm menstruating and also because every conversation was so achingly boring. Besides being told I need to have an orgasm as soon as possible (masturbation doesn't count) S and I kind of got into a little fight because I was being difficult, like a child. Everything in my life is frustrating me to no end currently. Interviews for jobs I have no enthusiasm or desire for, I can't bring myself to be so fake about it all even though I know that's 'PLAYING THE GAME'... As a self centered child I always imagined there was some special path laid out for me that would all fall into place when the time came. Of course realised a long time ago that that is not true. It doesn't help that I come from a family of completly dreamless people. I don't care if it's realistic... I won't end up like that. I also thought I'd never be the one to be the voice of reason on the topic currently being discussed among my friends and I: SEX IS NOT EVERYTHING... I've never been at a point in my life where I feel this unerotic, lacking in sensuality...I have lost interest in the past week. Every second conversation is, who is fucking who, who will you fuck, who will I fuck, etc. I'm bored. I don't care. I have reached the totally jaded point of having a crush. I DON'T CARE I NEVER CARED I WILL NOT CARE. The world could be shot with a lazer from an alien spaceship and destroyed in half a second and I wouldn't care cuz I'd be dead. Take that humanity...take that.

I've begun to regress. No smoking... barely been drinking...have returned to childish pleasures such as playing pokemon platinum on my old DS (I always choose starter Chimchar, I love fire types), haven't been writing. Yesterday I made a quiche from scratch, I even made the pastry myself, which I hated doing, so messy and it kept sticking to everything because it had warmed up too much, I felt tears pricking at my eyes while trying to roll it out...seriously. The quiche is of course delicious, but I really don't want to bake ever again. I've been writing terrible poetry and reading terrible poetry and saying out loud to myself 'THAT WAS TERRIBLE.' when I'm finished. That has been freeing. Saw Honey Don't in the cinema and that was fun but terrible movie. Love Aubrey Plaza. Have been having lollipops a lot. but that's not a symptom of regressing I have just always loved lollipops and they have been a constant my entire life. Oral fixation???

The title of this entry comes from something said last night. S was trying to teach me how to play a card game and was being mean about it and I was being uncooperative. Then she said I had told her once that all of my mean eastern european teachers growing up were the best and the reason I'm a great swimmer and very good at piano. The problem with that is that yes, there can be no better teacher in the world than a strict lithuanian woman who yells at you from the side of the olympic swimming pool while you're doing the breast stroke, or the ukrainian lady who slaps your hand every time you make a mistake while playing Mozart's piano sonata no.11 in A major, but unfortunately a consequence of this on my adult psyche is that I'm a perfectionist to my own detriment and according to S 'Can only have sex with people (I) hate.' I can also have sex with people I love by the way. So there's that. EXCEPT THAT I WON'T HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE BECAUSE I'M WORKING ON MYSELF. RIGHT. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Yesterday I wrote a letter to my ex who seems to be the one evil person who I cannot let go of. I'm embarrassed about it so let's pretend it didn't happen.

MONDAY

It has been decided. German lady and I will go hiking together in two weeks. We are doing a week long excursion ALONE and in her two person tent. I wonder if we might have to move closer together...if only for warmth on those dark...chilly nights. Inneundo aside I'm looking forward to it. It is going to be a BUDGET holiday as I have nary a penny to my name in the current moment. I am graduating this week and I got a pinstripe sort of get up... but I'm unsure about it yet as it's very MADAME DYKE. My mother just didn't want me to wear a tie. Mind you I think femme with a tie is dyke realness and very everything, but alas...

Yesterday I visited a friend in her city, I had to take a few hours train each way and the weather was terrible but it was so fun. We pub hopped and drank shitty IPAs and talked stuff and our non existent love lives and movies. When I was on the train back I sobered up quite fast...there was a father and daughter sitting across from me and I looked like a drowned rat (too windy for umbrella)...anyways they were getting along so well it made me want to jump off a very tall building. Nevertheless I persisted. I listened to a philosophy lecture and learned about all the presocratics. I am so amazed that they thought magnets had souls because they could make things move. I would definitely think that if I lived 2500 years ago too. I refuse to wash my hair today, does that make me a philosopher? PHIL = LOVE, O = OF, SOPHY = WISDOM...ain't that amazing.

In other news I'm halfway through Infinite Jest. Amazing book...duh like everyone said. But I can't fully believe something is amazing until I decide for myself. Anyways I always did love tennis...I love watching it, firstly they have those lovely short tennis skirts, buff legs, and everytime they hit the ball they make those lovely sounds. I would probably jump off a cliff if it would impress a weird girl with nice legs. Speaking of legs... personally love them. Love masc lesbian legs... I was stopped at an intersection the other day and it was a super hot day...and this masc on a bike stopped in front of my car. It was truly INSANE, she was sweating all over like she just got back from the gym, and she was wearing these short shorts and she had these super prominent leg muscles, and her hair was all wet and dripping down her tank...I was stunned into utter silence so thoroughly that I didn't notice the light go green and got beeped at. I told my friend about this and she said she would have opened the window and yelled out 'Where you going beautiful!!!!' Maybe I should have done that. I DON'T BELIEVE IN CAT CALLING unless it is I and my femme friends maybe doing it to hot sweaty cyclist butch ladies. Gayness aside, I love that when you are watching it live (tennis) you have to move your head from side to side. I also love the aesthetics of it. ANYWAYS... in Infinite Jest there's a game the tennis prodigies play called 'Escathon' which is like a nuclear war simulation with tennis balls. I thoroughly enjoyed that chapter.

Today I am wearing boxer briefs and feel like Shane from the L word. What would I do if the world fell into nuclear war? (more likely than we think...) Well firstly, I'd stock up on all the tinned mackerel in tomato sauce. I would finally force myself to finish Dostoevsky because there would be nothing else to do in the bunker and then I'd be able to brag to all my bunkermates that I read Dostoevsky. It's funny that even in a nuclear holocaust situation I would still find a way to be annoying. I would become the bunker's shaman and I would tell people's futures etc. Is anyone reading this afraid of spiders? I realised the other day that I have serious arachnaphobia. I was always the kid or friend who would pick up the spider or bug and put it outside so this is a shocking revelation. However the other night, I had just gotten into my cozy bed and was on the phone to my friend when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. IT WAS THE BIGGEST HOUSE SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN. It was the middle of the night and I ran downstairs and slept on the kitchen floor. I was genuinely so strangely terrified of this little creature. I never did like spiders but I'm against killing them. The next morning, in the cold light of day I was no longer scared of it for whatever reason. I put it in a cup and put it outside. Maybe it will die outside anyway... I don't know. What else should I have done with it? The spiders can do whatever they like in my room as long as I don't ever see them. Ignorance is bliss...

Anyways ending this now even though I feel I could write for ages. BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF WIT AFTER ALL. Good afternoon diary.

THURSDAY

Tomorrow is party. Today was the day of silence which I failed miserably due to reasons I cannot disclose here...muahahaha. Last night did lesbian walking tour and got pizza after (SLICE WAY TOO BIG ONLY HAD HALF, IT WAS HAM AND SAUSAGE)...then asked cute German girl also on the walking tour if she wanted to get a drink. We bought her pint. We got along swimmingly. I think I will go long distance hiking with her next month. Just think of all the possibilities. Sweaty exercise is the perfect precursor to other things. Also I found her quite interesting and would like to get to know her further. She texted me this morning and invited me to visit her in London next month, what do we think ladies...possible new romance that will solve everything wrong with me? Yes, I think so too. I am a healthy red blooded young lesbian with a working clitoris and incredibly dexterous hands, it would honestly be a sin, and probably a crime to not use my talents to the best of my ability. I will no longer withold myself from the world. The summer of sexual repression has ended.

BEING UNEMPLOYED IS TERRIBLE. I have never been without a job this long. I was always working or doing an internship or abroad or something I feel insane. I suppose if things got really desperate I could always turn tricks on my local street corner. My friends told me they wouldn't let me sell my body though. Friendship forever. You know who is suprisingly not on my mind. Major bleh today do not feel like writing diary. I think I may be over the worst of it yet. Positivity etc. I did burst into tears in the shower this morning though, and then quite depressing masturbation (I should've done those the other way around), had tolerable orgasm thinking of no one in particular. I think if I could I'd have sex with my clone. That would be a totally crazy experience and very informative. What if I became madly attracted to my clone. Could we have clone babies? What would our clone babies look like? I dread to think.

MONDAY

I've been biting the inside of my cheek all day. Craving meat. I just had a steak and made sure to cook it rare so it would be bloody and iron tasting. It was satisfying. Having an awkward conversation with my friend because we kinda fell out this week but I think I've fixed it. I have decided this Thursday to have a day of silence. I am not allowed to speak... Since I love to talk this will be difficult. I also made it easy for myself by choosing the day I don't have anything planned.

I want to write letters to someone again. Ever since the breaking up of my ex and I I haven't been at it really. If anyone who reads this would like to, please email me. I visited a doctor friend on Saturday morning, something about the visit depressed me. I talked of how I'd like to buy a house by the sea in the future and she told me I'll never afford it. Like okay let a lady dream and also yes I will... Who knows what the future holds. I could win the lottery or become engaged to an heiress with a heart of gold. I'd bark like a dog for her and she'd get me my house by the sea. A perfect arrangement. The problem is that the doctor knows not how to dream...If you're already a doctor I guess that's great but she didn't seem happy to me at all. How about instead of saving other's lives you save your own life for once...that's a thought. The worst part is I'm not even attracted to her, that might've been helpful in distracting myself from my current love predicament. I might have been attracted to her if she wasn't such a downer. I did want to fuck her once, last year, she made me dinner at her house and It was actually quite nice... I had brought a bottle of expensive wine and some crisps and can you believe what she did...she TOOK the wine and my crisps and instead of opening them like a normal person SHE PUT THEM IN HER CUPBOARD FOR HERSELF... I was so gobsmacked by her lack of house training there was no chance of her being inside me after that. I was still a good girl and kept my mouth shut though. I think she maybe still resents me for not fucking her that night? Who knows...she certainly tried after that but I was not into it. Anyways, my meeting with her last Saturday was such a downer I escaped after only a few hours. I felt bad but my bus did take an hour and I was going out that night. Maybe I have to learn to let a dead friendship go. It seems clear to me now that all she wanted from me was to fuck me and when I didn't let her she became less interested in pursuing a meeting of the minds. So that's that.

My little sister returns from her great Summer abroad tomorrow. She has been in Holland for four months now. I will have to return all the clothes I stole from her and brace myself for her inevitable impact. She is my dear sister and I'll be happy to see her return. Sometimes I become jealous of my sister's perfect heterosexual life but then I meet her boyfriends and I think thank god whatever God made me a dyke.

Not much to update today. C' ya diary.

SUNDAY

Last night my friends and I attended a magazine launch in which one of my poems was featured. I cannot describe the pure visceral terror and sickness that this has caused me. I don't even post my poetry here on this anonymous site and here I was. I demanded of my friends that they don't read the poem in my presence and they obliged. There was a live band and then some silent discoing which I had never tried before. Lots of vodka, very drunk and danced with about 4 different old men. Then onto gay club, more dancing, me way too drunk, forced myself to throw up in the alleyway out back, had great fun. No picking up of women and no women picked up me (harhar), so humid we all felt moist in a bad way. I really did dance. I love dancing.

Despite all this once we left the club I was left with an indescribable melancholy. I never want things to end. I truly think this August may be the saddest time of my life. Nobody to ride, lacking in a true human connection it feels like. My friends and I feel out of step emotionally. Maybe we see eachother too much. S didn't even seem to care that much when I said I might not accompany her and C to party next Friday. It is true that indifference is worse than hate... then again sometimes I feel the most warmth from her, and then it's back to cold. What is happening? I want so badly for her to be curious about me in the same way I am about her. Sometimes when we speak I'm screaming in my head 'Ask Me A Question...'

She is truly so self absorbed it baffles me. It's as if she has no notion of the lives of others existing in any tangible way. However I am hungover and being a little catty so take that with a grain of salt. I do of course quite enjoy her company, and have often the most overwhelming of tender feelings towards her. It makes me sick. A crush like this feels juvenile, especially when I know there is no chance in hell of anything ever transpiring. Silly old me. I do feel sorry for myself today, you'll have to forgive me diary. This is a self fulfilling prophecy of course, I do want to write more often when I'm experiencing difficult feelings. Why is it that I, being who I am, have developed a love like this towards someone who would best be kept as an arms length friend?? She is so uninquisitive, often offensive in her rudeness and tawdry in her implications. Yet she is so intelligent, sharp, witty, hilarious, vulgar in a good way, beautiful, totally fun, hardworking, disciplined etc. I could think of any number of adjectives either way to describe her and you'd still never get the picture. I have decided from today on to distance myself from her as best I can. This terrible little Summer must come to an end after all. And to think I began the season with a completely different expectation.

I am so neurotic. Jesus. Literally BLEH. Not even horny. Major 'the fear'. At least I didn't do those shots last night because I might have been writing this from beyond the grave. Look at me here listening to counting crows and wallowing about my life like some kind of drab teenager. I need to get a serious grip. Goodnight diary.

FRIDAY

So, Wednesday, my dear friends and I went out drinking, C came after (she had been fired from her job and quite upset about it), I was a little girlishly jealous to see how close S and her were. Although Frida and I are such close friends that is obviously different from how I am with Sonya. I'm being an adult about it though because what right do I have to feel so jealous?

Anyways, much happy times had, we ended the night on Catie's rooftop, smoked too much, didn't drink enough (have gone off it lately...) but Sonya was happily drunk and Frida and I sat with sheepskins wrapped around us as S and Catie talked of their plans to have a party next week. We will see. Slept at F's house by the sea, S and I shared the bed of course, Frida can only sleep alone. S apologised for a perceived wrong she had done me. I wanted so badly to fall asleep holding her, but I kept my distance. In the morning, because S takes so long to wake up, F and I were already showered and ready, and I popped in to give S a poke and then smoothed it over with a kiss on her forehead. We stopped at my house to make ham and cheese sandwiches and pack bananas for our CRAZY ADVENTURE... Before that though we drove to town and had some breakfast (really very good, coffee gave us energy). Then we stopped at mine again and picked up my doggie and got lost on the way to the mountain...because of course we did.

Weather was fine, about 18 degrees, nice and bright. We walked along the water and then decided to do some real climbing on the hill. Got very dirty, socks wet from running in the river. When we made it we arrived in the most beautiful scenic field. There was a tree, a mint colour, and fresh mint everywhere, along with these lovely vibrant purple flowers everywhere. I felt like dropping down and letting the grass caress me. We ate our sandwiches (and some for doggie) and were on our way back to the bottom. Exhausted, sweaty and feeling great. I dropped F and S off and came home to shower etc. Up late reading Anne Lister's diaries, and had the most wonderful deep sleep last night. I've been thinking lately how inspiring it is that every day has a beginning and an end. That is deeply comforting.

Today I'll relax, maybe solo cinema date, looks to be a beautiful day outside. Need to spend some time with myself, might write to get out all of my feelings and really get to the confusing root of them all. Must eat well today to make up for my slacking off. Thinking of making a font of my actual handwriting for this site but actually my handwriting is quite messy so I'm not sure. Goodmorning diary.

TUESDAY

Been writing and reading my favourite genre of erotica, which is the BODICE RIPPER... I do love the 1800s time period, and it remains the sexiest time period to set these stories in for me. THERE IS HOWEVER NOTHING WORSE - than when I've stumbled upon some story with a great premise, only to find the vocabulary is all wrong, or grammar or whatever. I am very particular about it all. I can't get off properly if they start talking wrong. Like just today I stumbled upon a great contemporary erotica, well it seemed great...I do love the whole leather fashioned strap ordeal because it is so rare to find some that is not completely vulgar, although sometimes of course I do love the vulgarity of it, depending on the day or mood. Anyway, what I mean to say is that there were little things that put me off, but that I could push past for the premise, but then the author made use of the word 'pussy' (as an aside if you are under the age of 18 please stop reading my fucking diary...) and the word pussy is certainly not a favourite of mine. Personally I find the word cunt to be far more sensual, if we're being vulgar like that in the first place. My personal gripe with the word aside, there is no way two wealthy English heiresses in the mid 1830's were using the word PUSSY. Just totally took me out of the story. Let me look up the etymology of the word pussy right now to prove my point.

From the site Etymonline...
pussy slang for "female pudenda," by 1879, but probably older; perhaps from Old Norse puss "pocket, pouch" (compare Low German puse "vulva"), or perhaps instead from the cat word (see pussy (n.1)) on the notion of "soft, warm, furry thing;" compare French le chat, which also has a double meaning, feline and genital. Earlier uses are difficult to distinguish from pussy (n.1), e.g.: The word pussie is now used of a woman [Philip Stubbes, "The Anatomie of Abuses," 1583] And songs such as "Puss in a Corner" (1690, attributed to D'Urfey) clearly play on the double sense of the word for ribald effect. But the absence of pussy in Grose and other early slang works argues against the vaginal sense being generally known before late 19c., as does its frequent use as a term of endearment in mainstream literature, as in:
So I suppose I was half correct. In the sense that they would not be using such a word probably but it was in use by then? Or maybe it was. Nobody knows. Such is the nature of language tracking.

A story I've been playing with (writing) lately is about a lady who enters a sexual relationship with her younger maid. Cliche of course. I just love the line "How irresponsible of me, letting a dairy maid learn her letters..." That period of time fascinates me, and of course makes so much room for the whole secrecy aspect, which I adore, the shame, which only makes the sex better, the whole unfastening of several layers of clothes and then untying of corsets. Things are better when you have to work for them of course. I do wonder often if I will still think about sex this much when I'm 50 and I know the answer is yes. If anything I'll be even more horny. A great fantasy I entertained last year when I was in my era of world war 1 erotica, specifically the whole 'all the men are gone...whatever will we do with ourselves...' aspect of it (if you get it you get it), was set in a factory, maybe a linen factory, of course I researched all the components at the time but can scarcely remember all the little details now. I was enchanted by the image of these hardy women in this totally warm factory environment, and they're all sweating from their labour, and wearing those Rosie the riveter jumpsuits and bandanas in their hair and the like. Every now and then one of them reaches up to wipe the sweat and machine grease from her brow but only ends up spreading it it across her forehead. The machines (and this is crucial, even at the expense of accuracy) have these pistons, steam pistons specifically, and they're doing as pistons do, pumping in...and out...and in and out. And there's the sound of steam and all these buff ladies at work in this confined space...uh huh...so many possibilites.
Then there was the fantasy set in the forbidden city...and we are both concubines who vie for eachother's affection instead of the emperor's...oh the humanity of it all. I do put extensive thought and research into my historical fantasies as you can probably tell. I only wish I could speak to someone who shares my love for a good historical sex story. My friends have heard it all of course, but that's only fair because I had to listen to their sexual fantasies, which I promise are far less elaborate (but no less hot).

I can of course get off the normal way too. Y'know woman lady boobs legs hands whatever. I just had a striking thought of how embarrassing it would be if a member of my family or even one of my friends read this diary. I mean my friends have heard a lot but this might reveal the full extent of my sexual insanity. Goodnight diary.

MONDAY

I realise I have never spoken of my love for Tori Amos here. I do adore her. Her music is probably the only constant in my life through all my trials and tribulations. And my life hasn't just been trials and tribulations of course...I am just very dramatic. I don't want to be crass today. I resort to hurting myself to silence the volatile and totally irrational thoughts I often have (although I have not been cutting or anything of the sort...I haven't done that for a while although of course the urge does not ever fully go away.) Because of my tumultuous upbringing I feel I'm lacking the emotional foundation most people have, you know the thing on which to balance one's feelings so that they don't crumble the entire structure. If my emotional landscape is a pyramid then I feel I'm lacking the bottom. Growing up with a dad like I had, who was constantly critical of my looks, my intelligence, weight, etc. is hard to grow out of. He would have taken any opportunity to embarrass or blame me for anything that went wrong, and of course he drank a lot and had a terrible temper, a trait I'm so grateful not to have inherited. I've been thinking more about how growing up in what could be considered an active warzone (I mean my house) has affected my mental state significantly. Still even today, someone running up the stairs sends my body into a full panic that I can't control. I do still sometimes have the most terrible nightmares and wake all sweaty and shakey.

I try not to feel too sorry for myself, which must feel completely funny to say when all I do in this diary is complain...but really, in my real life I'm quite a well-rounded person. I'm passionate, I love to love, I have talents and wit and all that. I do take care of myself. I'm not a mess is what I'm saying. I do have an active social life and many people whom I am glad to call my close friends. But really inside I always feel like I'm one wrong step from total breakdown. It does always feel like I'm on some sort of precipice, and I'm inching a little over the edge to see how the rocks below look, or if the sea is rough. I am always told I have a strong personality...which I'm glad about, but then inside I feel so totally insipid and lukewarm. I feel attractive but I'm afraid to attract. I use sex as a coping mechanism for my gaping emotional wounds... I'm irresponsible with people's feelings, often people whom I quite like, and I hurt people with my fear of vulnerability over and over again. I've ruined more than three great connections with my inability to commit to companionship and emotional intimacy... as soon as a hook up arrangement starts becoming anything more I feel I have to get away as fast as possible. The tradgedy of this is that I want so badly to be able to love and be loved, but there's a blockage. Romance aside, I find myself really quite a fragile lady, although no one would think it. My dad told me my whole life, that I'm hard to like. That I have a 'difficult' personality. This is by far my biggest insecurity still. I learned to develop a sort of carapace of irony to protect myself from other people's estimations of me. Although I've always had many friends, I always thought of myself as a sort of loner, or loser. In school, few teachers liked me, because I was quiet and did my work well, but always with an air of sadness (or probably interpreted as bitchiness) about me, which maybe made it seem to them that I was lazy, or a piss taker, or thought I was above them. Or maybe they did like me, and my brain is just hardwired to assume authority figures hate me automatically...

Now that I work with children I can't help but hate my father more. How can you look at a child and not want to protect them and build them up. What are parents for if not to build their children up. There is no way on earth I could ever hurt a child the way my dad hurt me and that brings me comfort, but it also makes me so disdainful and childishly resentful. Why not me. It's a pathetic thing to think but where my brain always goes first.

The good news is that I have been working on myself in regards all my flaws in the past two years. I'm not perfect but I do try to improve myself every day. I like to help people and I love to work with the kids. I love my friends more than anything in the world. I read and read and I always try to keep learning. I listen to good music. I cook myself good food and I eat all of it. I try not to smoke as much (I'm sorry I love it too much) and I do appreciate the little things. There is a lot to be grateful for. So there's my very thoughtful entry for today. C'mon Autumn.

THURSDAY

I get jealous. Fuckkkk do I get jealous. I currently don't have a job yet so that probably contributes because I have too much time to think. I just want it to be Autumn already because I'm sick of this endless summer holiday. Why is it that life currently feels like I've been tied up and am being shocked and prodded with various implements and not in a sexy way. Everything, and I mean everything, is so boring I feel like eating myself alive. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to do anything, nothing is ever enough, never enough time, never enough fun, never enough of an experience. People are interesting to a point. It's like everytime I go out I think maybe this time it'll last forever. Is there a name for this boredom and restlessness. I know for a fact that if I got into a relationship like this I would act crazy and insecure so I can't do that. I want to fix myself but I have no idea where to start. and I literally hate that I'm like this because it's gross. I literally feel like a child all the time even though I do adult things like an adult which I am. I don't know what the fuck I want to do and I haven't dated anyone for like three years and I feel sick about it. I could be alone forever if I just let it happen and that thought terrifies me.

I want someone to hurt me because I am fucked in the head, but I'm not attracted to people who would do that because they are freaks. So I'm stuck in this paradox of only being into sweet kind people and then getting frustrated when they don't want to play toxic games with me. I am seriously irreperably damaged and probably need a lobotomy and electroshock therapy combination. Anyways I hope the person who raped me dies. and I hope my father dies too. idgaf.

Memories

Isn't it so strange that life is really only the present moment, and the past and future are just things we think about. Like right now, I'm in bed, listening to this awesome chune and thinking and remembering so vividly what it was like to be a teenager and want to touch and smell and scream and dance (still want to do all of these things). I can still remember completely the smell of her perfume, what it was like to be so fresh and unyielding and feel like the world was calling out to me and asking me to do with it what I will. Emotions were fleeting and ultimately petty but so meaningful at the time. I did all the great teenager things but still feel like I missed out. I miss that naivety, but I love being an adult. I like that I can get to know myself better and that's the project of my life. I always remember...other people can only know you as deeply as they know themselves...they can only meet you as deeply as they meet themselves... their indifference has nothing to do with me...their love has EVERYTHING to do with me.

Being a little in love has dire consequences. For example I feel so human all of a sudden. I understand all of the books now on a real level. It doesn't feel silly like it usually does. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, not in a sad way. But just the bittersweetness of it. Someone in the shop wore her perfume today and it lingered in the deli meats aisle. I wanted to buy everything it touched and eat it all up. I know I'm always talking about I want I want I want... but there is no way desire is the root of all suffering if it feels this innocent and sweet. Everytime I read poetry or the fiction column I want to send everything to her because I see her in everything. Please forgive the fact that I've become soft everyone. I still feel like a child in a lot of ways lately. I'm realising that I'm a sentimental littul freak. All of that aside I still got it though. I'm excited and ready for Autumn. The changing of the leaves...that is what it is all about it. Happy ten minutes to Thursday, WEDNESDAY!!!! love u diary. Goodnight... let's be on the floor like this together... love u

TUESDAY

So even as I have been afraid to admit it here (have alluded), I have had a crush on someone... for the better part of 6 months now. It is hell and torture and I need it to end. I don't know if she likes me in the same way and I'm too much of a pussy to find out... is this what it's like to be YOUNG AND IN LOVE?

In other news I lost about 9 kilos. I haven't been counting calories or anything just been eating like shit and not often. I feel insane every evening and am considering going back on the lexapro. Just to quell my insanity. I do tend to go a little crazy in the summer.but we will see if that actually transpires. I feel like doing something entirely childish and attention seeking. How do real adults deal with these feelings???????? Do they just get on with it? I suppose I'm currently 'getting on with it' but not without peril and frustration. It's like Kylie said...I should be so lucky in love. I am in love with someone's mind... so much so that I don't think we can ever have sex. There's something wrong with me in relationships. Maybe I just have crazy pussy (the ladies do seem to love it). So far no one but my mother has mentioned my weight loss. Everyone is supposed to say hey Margot you look so skinny and cool right now. but that's not socially acceptable anymore...I should have been born in Asia because then everyone would probably be like Margot you look so skinny right now. Why do I need other people to feed my validation about my unhealthy eating habits? Maybe should explore that further.

The horniness is of course persistent. I want a buff lady to pick me up and throw me back down again. being a lesbian is so frustrating. The vow of no masturbation has ended. The orgasm is depressing me. I have realised a deeper more persistent longing for intimacy, and romance. I want to do something stupid like count all of the moles on her back. I would get a pen and make constellations out of them. I want to prove that I can love and be loved...the fundamentals of the human condition. My insecurity and childishness eats me up inside sometimes. I want to be a knight in shining armour even though I'm not buff and actually quite slight and more than a little feminine. The trip we took (to the beach for a week) might have confirmed I need more love in my life.

Get this...I stumbled upon something horrible. My ex girlfriend appeared in an ad for a law firm. Like her face and everything. Like on my TV. My own TV. is there no escape from her machinations????????

Okay have a happy tuesday everybody TTYL.

THURSDAY

Happy Thursday fellow lesbians and bisexuals and heterosexuals. SO guess what... nothing particularly interesting has happened since my last entry. It is very hot here, almost 30 degrees...I have magic mushrooms, weed, and a little ket but I'm trying to decide which friend I want to have a psychadelic experience with. Will I discover the secrets of the universe???? Who knows. I'm not really a substances person (I prefer far less tangible addictions) so drugs don't really excite me. I like to smoke weed probably too much, I just have one of those brains where my thoughts are always going a mile a minute and I need them to chill out sometimes. Ket is boring to me and people on ket are SO BORINGGGG. I will probably give that away. I've gone off alcohol too. Maybe this is the summer of crushing sobriety... I did speed a few times and my friends said It was like me squared. I am too energetic a person already. Can you believe last time we went out for coffee I ordered a double espresso and my friend stopped me and said 'You shouldn't have that,'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe. I bet she'd like to control everything I drink and eat and do...why am I kind of into that idea. Because of my already tiring and boundless energy I spend a large amount of time making snow angels on my bedsheets and writing furiously until my hands get calloused and I forget the English language. Also if you are a regular reader of this diary (that would be cool) I must tell you now that I am NOT English. You can probably guess where I'm from if you care enough.

Been listening to a lot of Charli XCX's amazing album True Romance lately. When I was a teenager I loved this album so much, and Marina & The Diamonds. LOLLLLL. So song of this wonderful Thursday is grins... duh. Great amazing song that sounds exactly what it feels like to have a crush on someone. Have a great day if u read this. BYE.

Friday

I'm on my period and so horny that if I let my mind wander for even a moment I start having unproductive thoughts. My resolution however, as of last month, is no intercourse until I cure my affliction (ennui). I have also taken a vow of no masturbation. With the way I write this it sounds like I was previously some kind of sex fiend, but that is not the case... I'm just what you would call a regular slut. Not masturbating is so hard. I think I may have some kind of latent sex addiction, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. In my dry spell, I started listening to Il trovatore, it's an opera by Verdi. Enjoying that. Also knitting socks, overeating and surprisingly not smoking that much. Currently reading Virginia Woolf and writing a lot of poetry. I even submitted one of my poems to a local magazine, so let's see what happens with that. I submitted my worst poem because I feel like it will hurt less if that is rejected. Also though if I don't believe in that poem then how do I expect other people to...well I suppose I do quite like that particular poem of mine, but that's a secret.

Had a 'fight' with a friend, which was my fault because I did something silly unintentionally, so I apologised. However it got me thinking about all the inconsiderate things this friend has done to me and how I just didn't care enough to bring it up. Now I'm angry at her. Maybe subconciously I wanted to hurt her, that could be the case. Apart from that I've tried many times to hurt people back the way they hurt me but I can never do it. I'm too sentimental and I don't like being mean.

So that's friday, went out too many times this week so im gonna take tonight to recover. food tastes like ashes and i can't get myself to enjoy it at the moment. Bleh. Music is life tho. Song of the day is the amazing PJ Harvey. One of my favourite artists of all time. Below are paintings by Ukrainian artist Tetyana Yablonska I've been enjoying. Okay bye.

One of my absolute favourites, 1958, this one is called Twins.

She's amazing, this one is 1947, called Before The Start

Modern Psychiatry

Good Tuesday Morning...another cloudy day here, a little rainy. I woke up early to go to the shop so I could peruse the fresh pastries. I have always had a premonition about meeting the love of my life in the fruit aisle. I would be feeling up all the peaches for bruising and she'd be like "Do you want one of my unbruised, perfectly ripe peaches?"... actually no she'd say something far more interesting than that. Anyways, then I'd say "Yes..." and then she would say something super intelligent about how eating a good peach is like good sex and I'd say "what a perfectly apt simile." and then we'd make out and fall in love.

Childish fantasies aside, I am forced to see a psychiatrist every six months (perils of being diagnosed with OCD at a young age) and I avoid seeing him at all costs. I don't take any meds, don't do therapy either (don't really believe in it) etc. I did all those things when I was younger and I can acknowledge they helped me at the time. I just think I'm a human being and if we talked to every single person on the planet everyone could hypothetically be diagnosed with something because 'normal' is not an actual thing. It is a concept most people aspire to but it doesn't actually exist. I think it's cringe when people define themselves by their diagnoses. I think it's fine to be weird and crazy and different and I don't think ppl should feel ashamed of that... I think it is sick that in our society one has to pay someone to diagnose them with whatever disorder disturbs the people around them and then has to pay someone further to take pills that change you to be more 'normal' so you can be a more functioning member of our fundamentally sick society. Why change yourself to be more palatable to these people???? Of course if someone is harming themselves that is different... I'm more talking about this whole idea of having to 'fit in'... I believe I have earned the right to say all this cuz been there done that. All I'm saying is that all the great artists, writers, musicians etc. were considered crazy/weird/having something wrong with them by other people... if you are boring you simply cannot make great art. This is my truth. Don't even get me started on my opinion on BPD as a modern day 'female hysteria' diagnosis. Psychiatry is so misogynistic.

In regards the psych he is always late to our mandated appointments which is insane because it costs me like 200 euros for that half hour appointment. I think he might be evil. I hate when people are late, it is incredibly disrespectful. We are only alive for an estimated 80 human years on this planet if we are lucky, and you're making me wait here for ten minutes I am never going to get back. Go fuck yourself. I'm not actually angry though, I think something I appreciate about myself is that for all my energy I actually rarely ever get angry. I'm grateful for that because my dad is batshit insane and I know I will never turn out like him...LOL.

Thinking about movies today. I used to love French movies, and I still do. I do believe the French understand something fundamental about the human condition that Americans do not. Also enjoy other European films (not going to give away my country but I will say I do have a little EUROPEAN pride when it comes to comparisons with America)...Also was into Russia movies as a teenager, however because of REDACTED currently nothing good comes out of there filmwise at the moment (Мне позволено сказать это, пока вы не рассердились...). Watched great French movie about the Ukranian activist Oksana Shachko. I love movies about weird women. Maybe I will have a look for some I haven't seen tonight. America also makes great movies of course, some of my favourite movies are american, heathers, cruel intentions, stoker, etc.

Song of the day is Queen by Perfume Genius, one of the best cuz duh. Reminds me of Mr.Robot which is a show I adored when it was coming out. Kind of miss it actually. TTYL.

The Hunger...

Today, after a long month of having zero appetite, I was struck by an irrepressible hunger. I usually skip breakfast but I found myself having 5 boiled eggs, a slice of toast with butter, a peach, a grapefruit, my usual coffee, mackerel in tomato sauce... I still didn't feel satiated, but I waited before eating again. My usual practice of surviving on cigs and coffee is not working today. I'm scared of gaining weight, and I hated when I was fat. Having big boobs has always made me feel bigger than I actually am. I was 'bulimic' for years as a teenager and I'm never gonna do that again (I'm obsessive about my teeth and clean them like 4 times a day...not to mention I paid for braces so I'm not fucking them up with the vomit game again...) also I feel love and respect for myself and don't want to be unhealthy. Overall I'm glad to feel hungry again because I feel healthier, I feel like I actually needed vitamins and calories and etc...

On the topic of health I have been exercising lately, cycling, swimming etc. It feels good actually when I fuel my body with good food for energy, and the possibility of maybe actually being able to build a little muscle if I start having an appetite again is good...In other news today I did nothing, it's raining and I'm a little bored. I have the sudden urge to eat crab or any type of crustacean really. I always loved food I had to break apart and slurp out. It makes me feel primal and cavewomany in a good way. I also love picking apart the rotisserie chicken with my fingers, even though I don't like getting my hands dirty really.

Read a disgusting book today, made me feel sick, I don't know why I didn't just decide to put it down and read something else. The morbidness of it fostered a weird curiosity but I didn't get anything out of it really. I'm on the hunt for a good romance. As a girl I adored Wuthering Heights, something about the setting of the moors...secrets...unspoken feelings...hauntings...tradgedy. I love romance like that. Although I don't want my own romance to be a tradgedy and I will make sure to tell future lover that I love them all the time. This is very important to me.

Master's degree is looming. Student loans. Excited to move and for new chapter in my life. Overall chill day. Good afternoon dear reader.Also found out today that a word for people from Manchester of all places is MANCUNIANS... LOL. I've never been to Manchester (no desire to go) but when I read the word Mancunian I assumed it was a term for an exotic people from somewhere Greece adjacent. Silly but good.

Song, have some great Nina Simone today and relax and loveeeeee the skin you live in.

The Long Languid Summer

So, It has been a month. Between assignments and being so stressed I started losing hair and going out every night and getting way too drunk at parties and saying stupid stuff and making out with the wrong people and not being able to have an orgasm and getting all my calories through alcohol and cigs and potato salad and losing 10kg and sending my ex a long winded overly dramatic email that made me want to kill myself the next morning I'm kinda going through a lot.

I was on the bus home on Monday night, drunk off my tits and listening to Amy Winehouse. Wake Up Alone is song of this entry obvs...but Love is a Losing Game is another fave of mine. When I was growing up my mum used to play her CD in the car like every day. I'm starting to really understand her now. "It's okay in the day, I'm stayin busy..." I feel that like deep in my heart and fucking soul. I sometimes feel like I can't keep up with these moods of mine...I'll go from being on such a high for a week straight and doing stupid irresponsible stuff to when I have to be alone...now that's something different. Overcome by an oppressive wave of some sort. A value in myself I've always cherished is my unwavering self respect, so I feel particularly angry at myself for reaching out to my ex who FOR THE RECORD I think is a cunt and don't even particularly like...

How do I fix my issues with vulnerability??????? I'm willing to do 'the work'... I need to stop treating sex 'like a man' (my ex girlfriends words not mine)...but also like, why should I as a woman feel ashamed of my promiscuity. but also like it doesn't make me happy either and is a defense mechanism. I would like to be in a relationship without fucking it up for myself. For now the focus is on making my bed (which I havent done in weeks and that is SO UNLIKE ME...) and then I will read the newspaper in my underwear in the sun in my garden with all the wonderful flowers I somehow managed to plant inbetween fucking and smoking too much weed. Hope all is well for you dear reader...won't take so long to update next time, promise.

MY HEART IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS

Dearest friends and diary of a lady compatriots, this week, the impossible happened. I, though terrified and experiencing a deep seated fear of vulnerability, allowed myself to feel romantic feelings. On the girls trip (to the beautiful CZECH REPUBLIC), I realised what had been in front of me this whole time. I am in LOVE.

NOW IS THE TIME FOR FLOWERS, HAND HOLDING, FRENCH KISSING & THE MYSTERY OF LOVE. What could be more beautiful. 2025...the summer of LOVE. I wanna dance, I wanna scream, I wanna cry tears of joy. Now is the time. Margot's heart is open for business, and business is apparently booming. I feel like drinking too much prossecco and making out in the bath tub. I also feel like slow dancing and kissing her neck. Since I thought my heart cold and icy...this is a revelation. The ability to feel has been bestowed back upon me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE WORLD TONIGHT.

TTYL XOXO

This is the girl!

Last night I took my friends to see Mulholland Drive in the cinema for the first time. It was so amazing, it's already one of my favourite movies, but seeing it on the big screen definitely elevated it. Almost everything about it is perfect. Then, after we went for drinks and I got to womansplain my interpretation of it to them. It was a fun night.

It's a great, warm sunny morning here on this little island. However, I can't make my morning cup of coffee because the MAN of the house refuses to fix the dishwasher. What I really need right now is a butch lesbian, I'm sure she would know how to fix the dishwasher. I would pay her in kisses etc. So, I think I'll shower pretty early and run over to the shop to grab a coffee (or maybe a red bull if I'm feeling it) & of course the daily newspaper. WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD? Current events? All will be revealed...

So, this girl that I've become fast friends with the last few months, she's American, has a party every week. The last one I went to was so bleh, I didn't like the vibes, and this girl's boyfriend is such a drag, and shorter than me too. I'm 5'6. So I guess I'm not particularly tall or short. Anyways, she rang me yesterday and was like Margotttt please come I miss you. So maybe I should go? Although in my current sickness I'm trying not to smoke & I guarantee if I go there I will chainsmoke all night long. I also do want to see my friend just not in a party setting. I think what's also something about this girl is that I feel a sort of odd pressure when I'm around her to be a more exciting version of myself and that can get tiring. I think I'm definitely exciting enough as is. There is also of course the fact that I have one million mid terms due this week and I really need to lock in for that.

Okay, onto the real news, when I'm on my period I feel like a feral horny animal. In a normal way...So this morning I attempted a new masturbation tactic, on my stomach, kind of laying on my hand? Anyways it was terrible. If you get off like that you are probably a sociopath. It's like how Patrick Bateman would get off if he had a clitoris. The orgasm was so unsatisfying and I really had to WORK for it too. Like, too much going on. I think on my back is just the tried and true classic. I am also against vibrators as a concept (only for myself) because I think if you get used to using them you can't get off the old fashioned way anymore, and that would depress me to no end. I am also extremely anti porn for obvious reasons. How about the original porn...YOUR IMAGINATION. Anyways I do dabble in erotica, bcuz I love to read, but lately it has been so hard to find some decent lesbian erotica. Like there are only so many pages of badly written cunnilingus one can scroll through before it becomes a vibe kill. If anyone has any good erotica recommendations DO TELL. I recently purchased an anthology of lesbian erotica, but all of it is so terrible it just disappointed me. WE NEED THE GOOD WRITERS BACK. and when Margot needed them most...they vanished. So that's what I think I'll do today, sunbathe & look for erotica. I will also do productive normal life things like walk my dog and meet my friends for coffee.

Song of the day, the incredibly sexy, sensual, groovy dance classic (in my head)...Mmmnn by Grandadbob. OKAY. ENJOY. BYE.

Minor car accidents & hangovers

OK, so last night was an amazing night. First N and I went to our friends house because it was her birthday. We had the most amazing homemade russian food and drank way too much. I threw up a total of 6 times in her bathroom, and cleaned it up after of course, but I feel so terrible about it still. I'm not even the type to get that drunk, and I wasn't actually that drunk, but it was a combo of all the food I had eaten and the vodka and the wine, I just had to get it all out of my system. I am having ongoing anxiety about it even though my friends said it's fine and there was no evidence of it left. Then we got the train back to the city and met our other friends to attend a lesbian poetry reading. However I feel a little disappointed in us because our collective mood was very giggly and light and tipsy and I think we may have given the impression that we were laughing at some of the poems read, even though we weren't at all, (well, most of the time, one of them was really terrible.) After that I threw up another 4 times and then we went on a late night/early morning greasy food run. I got a chicken burger that I think saved my life. We all sat by the canal with our feet dangling off the edge, occasionally pulling them back whenever the angry swan came to nip us. It was the perfect temperature, so mild and wonderful. It really was a great night but my anxiety is so through the roof. It was my first time meeting my friend's mother and I threw up in her bathroom...I really really really hope that we cleaned it well.

This morning, I woke up on my stomach, nose completely blocked (I'm currently fighting off a nasty cold), sweat-drenched & in complete darkness. I have a vague recollection of closing all my curtains before I went to sleep, and taking a sleeping pill because of the cold. By fate, or something, literally just as I woke up and wearily brought my phone to light up my face and check the time, my friend (the same one whose birthday it was) called me. She told me we have to all go for brunch. So, even though I felt like I had been hit by a train, I of course said yeah duh let's go, just let me shower first, I'll pick you guys up. So, I hopped into my little car and picked em up, and we had a nice brunch. We went for a drive around the mountains after, listened to the First Aid Kit CD which is the only one I have in my car at the moment, and breathed in the high altitude air. As we were driving back, it began to rain, and I hastily dropped S off at the bus stop so she could go back home. This is where it gets...scary. So, N was sitting shotgun and I was driving, and the traffic was terrible and so so slow. At a particularly busy junction, there was a BOOOM sound. Someone had sped past me so fast that they had knocked my wing mirror off and evidently, their own too. We were in such shock, we sat in silence for a full 30 seconds, just trying to figure out what happened, whether it was my fault or the other drivers, etc. The adrenaline rush was TERRIFYING. After panicking and pulling over to fix the mirror, which was fine, we were able to conclude that it was NOT my fault at all, and the other driver didn't even come back around, they just drove off. Which I mean, thank God, cuz I was so stressed and probably would've yelled at them for fucking my wing mirror.

The anxiety stayed with me for hours afterward. I came home and tried to listen to some music to get my mind off of it, but it didn't really help. Of course being hungover and sick does not help when one is trying to calm down. I masturbated and that helped me relax a little bit. I'm feeling pretty okay now, after drinking a lot of water and chilling for a bit. I think what struck me so much about the car situation is that things can just happen, and they do happen, and you often have no control over when or where or how they do. There are crazy terrible driver morons everywhere, and that unsettles me. I'm also way overthinking last night, because I'm on my period and I get way too thoughtful when I'm menstruating. What on earth do you mean anything could happen at any time???? That does not bode well for my control freak tendencies.

Song is Silver Lining from the First Aid Kit album, the one we listened to on our mountain drive. It's still such a great song. That album accompanied through so many teenage moments. Music really is timeless.
Au Revoir for now.

Remember That Time?

My smoking is a little too much. Obviously not smoking a pack a day, but I don't like how much I am smoking. I love it toooooo much. It's my only vice... I drink but I don't really care about drinking, that's just social. Smoking though...makes the bad times better and the good times even better. However, I like smelling clean.

This morning I have a doctor's appointment, I think I'm going to get my blood drawn. My friend is having a party on Thursday which is great but I really, really don't want to go to the club after. I don't have enough energy after all the uni and sleeping around I've been doing. I'm lazy and don't want to be in the middle of a bunch of sweaty people. Usually I love that but this week...nah. Would rather just sit and drink. Bleh.

I don't really have much to say today. I don't want to go to the doctor, or to class. I'm restless. The evenings are the worst, I get home and immediately want to go out again, when I am home I have to stop myself from getting too high (wait, does that mean weed is a vice too? IDGAF). These are the LAST DAYS OF WINTER. I do not want to have a moment of peace or relaxation...Ciao

Intimacy

It just became midnight, so It's Monday the wonderful 3rd of March now. Well, tonight, I'm thinking, and dreaming. I slept with someone, a hook up. I think she was new to sleeping with women, but it was kind of cute helping her figure it out. I wanted to pleasure her, and our sex was surprisingly intimate considering we were pretty much strangers. She was a great kisser.

Of course, like always after The Act, I'm thinking of the woman, the same woman I've been in love with for a year now. I don't know if I've told you (my dear diary) about her fully yet. Well she's very tall, and has the most amazing hands, the thickest most disarmingly pretty curly hair, the sweetest, most unblemished neck. I think about her often. My desire turns into something more when it's her. The type of romantic lust I'm not used to. I want to cook for her, take her out on a date, make her blush. God. We were friends before we were lovers, of course, that's the best way to go about romance. We would be together right now, I'd be laying on her tummy, she'd be stroking my hair, reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles to me in that wonderful voice. That is if I hadn't told her that I wasn't 'ready for a relationship...' Seriously, if I could go back in time and slap past Margot right now I would. Well I do plan to woo her soon enough, the next time I see her. She lives in a different, bigger city now. Somewhere with far more possibility, but I'm not jealous. I believe that our connection transcends a lot. I think we will find our way back to eachother. She also knew how to use the strap like no other woman I've ever been with ever. Like fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. You don't know what you got till it's gone.

Short entry for tonight. Started season 2 of The Leftovers. I really adore Carrie Coon as Nora Durst. Will definitely be writing about her as a character in the future. There was a shot in the episode I watched just now, his hands wrapping around her waist, so intimate and so loving. It really made me regret all my romantic self sabotage. I really miss that romance, I don't lnow if I've ever really experienced that 'romance'. It would be nice though. Soon. It's gonna be so great. My soulmate is probably busy meditating or giving to charity or rescuing stray dogs. She'll appear in my life when she's ready, our life lines will go from parallel to intersecting. They won't move away from eachother though, once they meet they'll become one, bright, steady line. Goodnight!

Desire I Want To Turn Into You

Was reading about buddhism today, anyone who knows me knows I have a huge interest in theology but despise actual religion (for all the obvious reasons, misogyny, homophobia etc.) Of course I grew up Catholic, not by choice, and retain a lot of that same wonder I had as a child, and unfortunately a lot of the shame, although much less these days. I think religion can be beautiful, but ultimately it's bad for the world, that much is obvious if you take one look at the planet today. However, back to buddhism. I'm obviously not an expert, duh, but I think I agree with most of the outward rules (like with most religions) but of course, once you get further into it it gets tricky. Is desire the root of all suffering? Yes, but also desire is what makes life worth it, and I'm not talking about material desire, as is most talked about in buddhism. Of course there are a lot of harmful desires that can never and will never be satisfied in someone. People always want more. Desire is motivation though. It makes things happen, sometimes amazing things. I need to contemplate on it more. Then I can explain what I really mean.

So, today, this wonderful, boundless Saturday. I'm avoiding going to the library with my friend because I don't want to study, even though of course I should. What an effort. Masturbated this morning, cup of coffee for breakfast. Want to eat more but I have not much in my fridge, too lazy to go shopping. I'm going to shower in a bit. Watching Gone Girl the movie, seen it before but enjoying anyways. Lately I think I've developed a sort of innocent crush on a friend of mine. I always want to know what she's thinking about, her opinions on things. She often disagrees with me, and I respect that a lot, because I can be a bit of a my way or the highway person. I always find it attractive when someone so outwardly disagrees with me, or debates me and actually changes my mind. I felt myself looking at her legs the other day, innocently, just admiring the way she walks. She is so graceful, so elegant. I always think of myself as clumsy, even though I probably amen't. I just think she's great. Nothing will happen, and I don't think I want anything to happen. I enjoy this friend crush, and I'm glad.

I have been rewatching Mulholland Drive often lately, I will see it in the cinema next week with my friends. I'm excited for them to experience it. What a great film, God I love and miss David Lynch already. Also, song of the day is Ahead By A Century by The Tragically Hip. I've been loving it lately. Reminds me of being a teenager, long grass, the buzzing of the insects and the silence of the summer air. It reminds me of my first kiss. I was 16, so nervous and so so sweet and green. I had paused halfway through to say 'I don't really know what I'm doing,' and she had laughed, pulled me closer to her on the bench and grabbed my face. I smiled the whole walk home that night, probably even skipped a little on the way. The night air had embraced me as if the whole world was rooting for me. What a night. That's something I'll never forget. Thank god for beautiful girls, innocence, lemon flavoured beer and southern Germany. I am so grateful to be alive. Life is a beautiful mystery. What a blessing.

Ciao Ciao, whoever reads this.

The mistakes we MAKE

The other day, while on my trip to London with dear friends, I said something as a joke that I didn't realise was taken offensively. I feel so terrible! I am so oblivious sometimes...I need to work on having a filter and thinking about the things I say before they come out of my mouth. Jesus. I apologised a lot and she said it's fine but I feel like a dummy. Everybody makes mistakes I suppose.

So I finished the assignment that was plaguing me all week, damn syntax... x bar theory. Soooooo annoying and mind numbingly tiring. It's over for now at least. I also have a wonderful trip to Prague with my friends coming up in March, I've never been there!!! It's so exciting. I love planning things and I love my friends.
Not really much to update today, listening to some good tunes, reflecting on my mistakes and vowing to be a better person every single day. Lately I've been worried that I'm too clingy, maybe I come across as needy? That's probably my worst fear as an 'avoidant' personality type...Working on it... nothing wrong with loving people. That's for damn sureeeeee. I need to clean my shower also. Ciao.

OH!!! P.S.... the other night I rewatched Disobedience, god Rachel Weisz is so hot and so tall dark and handsome. That scene when they're in the house and Lovesong by The Cure comes on the radio is burned into my mind. So sensual and passionate and repressed. Those are like my favourite adjectives ever. If you look like Rachel Weisz, please e-mail me. See below for super hot gif. BYE!!!

Nostalgic Memories & The Eternal Orgasm

I feel better than I did earlier evidently. I was in bed all day after the big weekend trip, recovering from clubbing and drinking and getting no sleep. It was such an amazing trip, but of course threw my brain chem off.

The need to write this entry though is because I was thinking about my ex girlfriend and the amazing sex we used to have. I miss her body, and the way it felt when she was under me. I wanna ride someone again. That could possibly fix me. UGH. We had the most intimate sex ever the last time, she literally felt like velvet inside me, and our kissing was so on another planet. I don't really miss her but I do miss that connection. I came so hard thinking about it today. I miss eating her out and looking into her eyes as she came. I miss how she'd talk me through it, it was always so hard for me, always thinking about everything, how I looked, how I sounded, overanalysing. She was so sweet and gentle. If I hadn't been so fucked in the head it might actually have worked out.

The orgasm as an event/feeling is ever so intriguing to me. I was a chronic masturbator as a teenager, not in a loserish way though. It didn't stop me from having a great social life and a girlfriend and having real sex but it was definitely a thing that I was. I used to have this romantic dream, standing on a pier on a summer day. The sea breeze blowing strands of my hair around. I'd be wearing a hat, and a dress for once, and I'd be holding down the brim of the hat with one hand and waving with the other. The salty air would be so crisp and there'd be droplets of water on the railing. Then, there she'd be, in a blue and white uniform, running to me. She'd pull me into a kiss so destabalising that I'd fall into her arms and she'd hold me strong and fast. It would be a singular, unforgettable moment, something that I would always remember each little detail of. Where's my sailor now???????

I do have a lot to be grateful for, and horny for. I won't delete my previous diary entry because it is how I felt at the time. But I think I'll be okay for now.

The Failure To Be Human

There was a storm this morning. It was too loud and depressed me to no end. I don't know if I'm depressed, maybe just a fundamentally broken person...no optimism. Is it a failure to be a person like other people? What happens when you give a fuck way too much. Who knows. I can't be myself about anything. Do I deserve to be loved? Do I have self worth issues????? Why do I feel like a fundamentally repulsive & detestable girl. Maybe wanting someone to care is what makes me a person. Maybe that's a fundamentally human trait. Maybe people do care, but even If they do, who or what are they supposed to care about when I can't even be vulnerable. Everytime I try to be honest or open up it backfires in the most humiliatingly disgusting ways. If that's not a sign from the universe I don't know what is. Can't really do anything right. Of course having the urge to hurt myself that never goes away, not acting on it. Maybe the one thing that stops me from the narcissism of self harm is the narcissism of not wanting to make myself uglier than has already been done. Even the act of writing on this public website is disgustingly self obsessed. Does anyone 'deserve' anything really? Probably not. Understanding why things are the way they are does nothing to help in fixing them either. Feels like my entire existence is one humiliation after another. The world is so absurd that it can't be reality. Things can't possibly be this way for real. I'm lonely and aching and terrible. The lonliness goes so deep I don't think it can ever be cured. I think that is the way it is. and that fits perfectly in with the complete absurdity of the planet. Like if I died, I wouldn't really die, because that would all be part of the plan. My soul or 'being' would be transferred to another reality? Maybe and hopefully less absurd and terrible? Is that possible or is it another symptom of the rotting that happens inside of my body? Maybe this is a hidden prayer. No optimism today, sorry. I love my friends though, and drawing, and dancing, and reading, and when it's sunny outside. but my entire existence is a humiliation. The foundation is missing.

Back to the monotony

I am depressed today, more so than usual. Everything hurts and I'm remembering all the times I did and said stupid things...I'm on my period but I feel like that can't be used as an excuse for everytime I feel bad. On top of all that I can't even be vulnerable in my own diary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm stressed about everything... my birthday hurt especially hard this year and at risk of sounding teenagery I won't say why (family). My usual optimism is still here but I feel useless...plain and boring. Last evening I attempted to draw like I used to...nothing came out but flat and stiff lines that formed no discernable shape. I feel like worse than everyone but also better than everyone at the same time. There is a word for that: narcissist. I'm going to make a conscious effort to be less of one this year.

No have not being doing 'the thing' thankfully, even though I want to almost every day. NO with age it does not go away. I'm terrified of accidentally stumbling upon my real self. That would be scary and too revealing. And I don't believe in therapy, or psychiatry, or really any type of take this and you'll be less crazy method...but all will be well...I feel it all coming together.

Films watched lately in FEB, terrible Canadian flick 88, so bleh so boring.
Cronenberg Maps to the stars: okay, mia wasikowska is redeeming, Still not as good as crash.
Ammonite: Kate Winslet really hot as the stoic fossil collector, didn't do much for me overall.
The Painted Veil: read the book, thought it was pretty decent, quite loved the film. I love the concept of not really knowing someone until you've both hated and loved them. Chinese landscape is also beautiful.
Heathers: Classic, funny, great, super hot Christian Slater (I wish he was a woman), super cute Winona, lovely colours etc.
Desert Hearts: Okay, I like western stuff, I like long winding roads in the desert, I like women. Kissing is nice. Okay story.
Late Bloomers: Bleh too long, and the butche's haircut was so terrible.
Hard Truths: it depressed me but I kind of understood it. I don't want to be an angry person...

Okay final part, weekend plans, Thursday night meeting Ava, Friday everyone else, Saturday Ava again and then Connor, Sunday long walk (at least 2 hours).

The Golden Gate Bridge (I've never been there)

Been so busy lately, started a new job at the theatre. It's okay but sometimes I hate dragging myself out of bed to go. Been listening to a lot of PJ Harvey. I am going to drink a bottle of wine tonight! Things in my life I once thought impossible have all come true. A LOT TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. So close to getting my drivers license too. So many people to get to know and in getting to know you get to know yourself too and isn't that great. Haven't been drawing enough. Or reading enough. No romance in sight (only because I sabotaged it at every turn...), need to lose a few kilos. STOP SMOKING!!!!!! Smoking is really my greatest vice. David Lynch said It is one of life's simple pleasures. I love the way it smells, I love inhaling it. Too bad it literally turns my lungs black. A nasty habit = my mother's words.

I read a piece from the New Yorker (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/10/13/jumpers) a few months back and I have thought about that damned bridge every day since. I have to go to that bridge someday...Song of today is of course the Sleater-Kinney masterpiece 'Jumpers' which has been one of my favourite songs for years, long before I found out it was based on the aforementioned article. This song makes me feel so sad...Thinking of all the people who felt That was the only way out. Cold water... the human spirit is truly elusive and unconquerable as well as impossible to make sense of.

Whiskey & Coke

A little drunk on whiskey and coke. Contemplating a bad situation I may have gotten myself into. Feeling strange and floaty and detached. Want snack. and another drink. AU REVOIR.

Beauty

Lately (well all the time) I've been thinking about how much beauty means to me, and how much it should mean to EVERYONE!!! When I talk about beauty I don't mean in terms of people, but instead how to make our surroundings more beautiful. In DUBLIN they are currently knocking down one of the mainstreet buildings to rebuild it, and the proposed plans for the new building are to me, and evidently many others, ugly, souless, corportate ugliness. People should care! If we continue to let all of these circlejerk cunts build our cities and towns into horrible grey 'modern' metropolises we don't stand a chance. Of course there's bigger issues in the world, there always is. What I'm saying is it matters what people see when they step outside. People have the right to beautiful surroundings that are pleasing to the eye. Beautiful surroundings can inspire someone and make people happy! When I say this I especially mean working class areas, which of course have been neglected the most in this urban expansion. Everyone deserves beauty. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things it matters a lot more than most people think. Small rant over...

My wonderful life

The fans going cuz it's like 25 degrees right now. I'm painting my nails this glitter blue colour. I feel nostalgic, longing-y and weird. I think I may have to break whatever it is off with the girl I've been tirelessly battling with for about a year now. I hate her so much sometimes but I can't help still wanting her. I think she's my soulmate.. I think she's bad for me. I FLOODED MY CUTICLES FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a dummy. What do I even do in this situation. I don't know cuz i'm an idiot. Just gonna smoke about it. and yeah i need to stop smoking.

THE DAY IS PREGNANT!!

Today feels like it has the possiblity of being a good day, maybe a day where something great could happen. I'm in a good mood. I slept well, had a decent breakfast (tuna egg salad) and I plan to spend the afternoon doing absolutely nothing. Tonight I have plans to see Jane Weaver with my friend and I hope it's good, I also hope we don't get too drunk to enjoy it, which sometimes happens.
Yesterday I had a job interview in the early morning and an exam in the late afternoon. The exam went terribly, I felt for the first time in a long time that I really fucked myself over. I had been so exhausted I barely looked at the class material, hoping I could just wing it and pass. Unfortunately it's starting to look like I may get a pretty bad mark on it. It's only about a third of the class percentage so I'm just hoping my amazing essays carry me through.
Uncharacteristcally, I've been dreaming of romance lately, for the first time in a long time. I wish I could conjure up my past charasmatic self to take over my body when I'm out tonight, but it's looking doubtful. I've been feeling so not like myself, insecure and small, which I hate.
where's the Person who will sweep me off my feet? If I had to fill out an application it would say this: average height, nice tits, great hair, only a little bit arrogant, fun (?), hasn't shaved pits since 2020.
ANY TAKERS????