My Diary

MY HEART IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS

Dearest friends and diary of a lady compatriots, this week, the impossible happened. I, though terrified and experiencing a deep seated fear of vulnerability, allowed myself to feel romantic feelings. On the girls trip (to the beautiful CZECH REPUBLIC), I realised what had been in front of me this whole time. I am in LOVE.

NOW IS THE TIME FOR FLOWERS, HAND HOLDING, FRENCH KISSING & THE MYSTERY OF LOVE. What could be more beautiful. 2025...the summer of LOVE. I wanna dance, I wanna scream, I wanna cry tears of joy. Now is the time. Margot's heart is open for business, and business is apparently booming. I feel like drinking too much prossecco and making out in the bath tub. I also feel like slow dancing and kissing her neck. Since I thought my heart cold and icy...this is a revelation. The ability to feel has been bestowed back upon me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE WORLD TONIGHT.

TTYL XOXO

This is the girl!

Last night I took my friends to see Mulholland Drive in the cinema for the first time. It was so amazing, it's already one of my favourite movies, but seeing it on the big screen definitely elevated it. Almost everything about it is perfect. Then, after we went for drinks and I got to womansplain my interpretation of it to them. It was a fun night.

It's a great, warm sunny morning here on this little island. However, I can't make my morning cup of coffee because the MAN of the house refuses to fix the dishwasher. What I really need right now is a butch lesbian, I'm sure she would know how to fix the dishwasher. I would pay her in kisses etc. So, I think I'll shower pretty early and run over to the shop to grab a coffee (or maybe a red bull if I'm feeling it) & of course the daily newspaper. WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD? Current events? All will be revealed...

So, this girl that I've become fast friends with the last few months, she's American, has a party every week. The last one I went to was so bleh, I didn't like the vibes, and this girl's boyfriend is such a drag, and shorter than me too. I'm 5'6. So I guess I'm not particularly tall or short. Anyways, she rang me yesterday and was like Margotttt please come I miss you. So maybe I should go? Although in my current sickness I'm trying not to smoke & I guarantee if I go there I will chainsmoke all night long. I also do want to see my friend just not in a party setting. I think what's also something about this girl is that I feel a sort of odd pressure when I'm around her to be a more exciting version of myself and that can get tiring. I think I'm definitely exciting enough as is. There is also of course the fact that I have one million mid terms due this week and I really need to lock in for that.

Okay, onto the real news, when I'm on my period I feel like a feral horny animal. In a normal way...So this morning I attempted a new masturbation tactic, on my stomach, kind of laying on my hand? Anyways it was terrible. If you get off like that you are probably a sociopath. It's like how Patrick Bateman would get off if he had a clitoris. The orgasm was so unsatisfying and I really had to WORK for it too. Like, too much going on. I think on my back is just the tried and true classic. I am also against vibrators as a concept (only for myself) because I think if you get used to using them you can't get off the old fashioned way anymore, and that would depress me to no end. I am also extremely anti porn for obvious reasons. How about the original porn...YOUR IMAGINATION. Anyways I do dabble in erotica, bcuz I love to read, but lately it has been so hard to find some decent lesbian erotica. Like there are only so many pages of badly written cunnilingus one can scroll through before it becomes a vibe kill. If anyone has any good erotica recommendations DO TELL. I recently purchased an anthology of lesbian erotica, but all of it is so terrible it just disappointed me. WE NEED THE GOOD WRITERS BACK. and when Margot needed them most...they vanished. So that's what I think I'll do today, sunbathe & look for erotica. I will also do productive normal life things like walk my dog and meet my friends for coffee.

Song of the day, the incredibly sexy, sensual, groovy dance classic (in my head)...Mmmnn by Grandadbob. OKAY. ENJOY. BYE.

Minor car accidents & hangovers

OK, so last night was an amazing night. First N and I went to our friends house because it was her birthday. We had the most amazing homemade russian food and drank way too much. I threw up a total of 6 times in her bathroom, and cleaned it up after of course, but I feel so terrible about it still. I'm not even the type to get that drunk, and I wasn't actually that drunk, but it was a combo of all the food I had eaten and the vodka and the wine, I just had to get it all out of my system. I am having ongoing anxiety about it even though my friends said it's fine and there was no evidence of it left. Then we got the train back to the city and met our other friends to attend a lesbian poetry reading. However I feel a little disappointed in us because our collective mood was very giggly and light and tipsy and I think we may have given the impression that we were laughing at some of the poems read, even though we weren't at all, (well, most of the time, one of them was really terrible.) After that I threw up another 4 times and then we went on a late night/early morning greasy food run. I got a chicken burger that I think saved my life. We all sat by the canal with our feet dangling off the edge, occasionally pulling them back whenever the angry swan came to nip us. It was the perfect temperature, so mild and wonderful. It really was a great night but my anxiety is so through the roof. It was my first time meeting my friend's mother and I threw up in her bathroom...I really really really hope that we cleaned it well.

This morning, I woke up on my stomach, nose completely blocked (I'm currently fighting off a nasty cold), sweat-drenched & in complete darkness. I have a vague recollection of closing all my curtains before I went to sleep, and taking a sleeping pill because of the cold. By fate, or something, literally just as I woke up and wearily brought my phone to light up my face and check the time, my friend (the same one whose birthday it was) called me. She told me we have to all go for brunch. So, even though I felt like I had been hit by a train, I of course said yeah duh let's go, just let me shower first, I'll pick you guys up. So, I hopped into my little car and picked em up, and we had a nice brunch. We went for a drive around the mountains after, listened to the First Aid Kit CD which is the only one I have in my car at the moment, and breathed in the high altitude air. As we were driving back, it began to rain, and I hastily dropped S off at the bus stop so she could go back home. This is where it gets...scary. So, N was sitting shotgun and I was driving, and the traffic was terrible and so so slow. At a particularly busy junction, there was a BOOOM sound. Someone had sped past me so fast that they had knocked my wing mirror off and evidently, their own too. We were in such shock, we sat in silence for a full 30 seconds, just trying to figure out what happened, whether it was my fault or the other drivers, etc. The adrenaline rush was TERRIFYING. After panicking and pulling over to fix the mirror, which was fine, we were able to conclude that it was NOT my fault at all, and the other driver didn't even come back around, they just drove off. Which I mean, thank God, cuz I was so stressed and probably would've yelled at them for fucking my wing mirror.

The anxiety stayed with me for hours afterward. I came home and tried to listen to some music to get my mind off of it, but it didn't really help. Of course being hungover and sick does not help when one is trying to calm down. I masturbated and that helped me relax a little bit. I'm feeling pretty okay now, after drinking a lot of water and chilling for a bit. I think what struck me so much about the car situation is that things can just happen, and they do happen, and you often have no control over when or where or how they do. There are crazy terrible driver morons everywhere, and that unsettles me. I'm also way overthinking last night, because I'm on my period and I get way too thoughtful when I'm menstruating. What on earth do you mean anything could happen at any time???? That does not bode well for my control freak tendencies.

Song is Silver Lining from the First Aid Kit album, the one we listened to on our mountain drive. It's still such a great song. That album accompanied through so many teenage moments. Music really is timeless.
Au Revoir for now.

Remember That Time?

My smoking is a little too much. Obviously not smoking a pack a day, but I don't like how much I am smoking. I love it toooooo much. It's my only vice... I drink but I don't really care about drinking, that's just social. Smoking though...makes the bad times better and the good times even better. However, I like smelling clean.

This morning I have a doctor's appointment, I think I'm going to get my blood drawn. My friend is having a party on Thursday which is great but I really, really don't want to go to the club after. I don't have enough energy after all the uni and sleeping around I've been doing. I'm lazy and don't want to be in the middle of a bunch of sweaty people. Usually I love that but this week...nah. Would rather just sit and drink. Bleh.

I don't really have much to say today. I don't want to go to the doctor, or to class. I'm restless. The evenings are the worst, I get home and immediately want to go out again, when I am home I have to stop myself from getting too high (wait, does that mean weed is a vice too? IDGAF). These are the LAST DAYS OF WINTER. I do not want to have a moment of peace or relaxation...Ciao

Intimacy

It just became midnight, so It's Monday the wonderful 3rd of March now. Well, tonight, I'm thinking, and dreaming. I slept with someone, a hook up. I think she was new to sleeping with women, but it was kind of cute helping her figure it out. I wanted to pleasure her, and our sex was surprisingly intimate considering we were pretty much strangers. She was a great kisser.

Of course, like always after The Act, I'm thinking of the woman, the same woman I've been in love with for a year now. I don't know if I've told you (my dear diary) about her fully yet. Well she's very tall, and has the most amazing hands, the thickest most disarmingly pretty curly hair, the sweetest, most unblemished neck. I think about her often. My desire turns into something more when it's her. The type of romantic lust I'm not used to. I want to cook for her, take her out on a date, make her blush. God. We were friends before we were lovers, of course, that's the best way to go about romance. We would be together right now, I'd be laying on her tummy, she'd be stroking my hair, reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles to me in that wonderful voice. That is if I hadn't told her that I wasn't 'ready for a relationship...' Seriously, if I could go back in time and slap past Margot right now I would. Well I do plan to woo her soon enough, the next time I see her. She lives in a different, bigger city now. Somewhere with far more possibility, but I'm not jealous. I believe that our connection transcends a lot. I think we will find our way back to eachother. She also knew how to use the strap like no other woman I've ever been with ever. Like fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. You don't know what you got till it's gone.

Short entry for tonight. Started season 2 of The Leftovers. I really adore Carrie Coon as Nora Durst. Will definitely be writing about her as a character in the future. There was a shot in the episode I watched just now, his hands wrapping around her waist, so intimate and so loving. It really made me regret all my romantic self sabotage. I really miss that romance, I don't lnow if I've ever really experienced that 'romance'. It would be nice though. Soon. It's gonna be so great. My soulmate is probably busy meditating or giving to charity or rescuing stray dogs. She'll appear in my life when she's ready, our life lines will go from parallel to intersecting. They won't move away from eachother though, once they meet they'll become one, bright, steady line. Goodnight!

Desire I Want To Turn Into You

Was reading about buddhism today, anyone who knows me knows I have a huge interest in theology but despise actual religion (for all the obvious reasons, misogyny, homophobia etc.) Of course I grew up Catholic, not by choice, and retain a lot of that same wonder I had as a child, and unfortunately a lot of the shame, although much less these days. I think religion can be beautiful, but ultimately it's bad for the world, that much is obvious if you take one look at the planet today. However, back to buddhism. I'm obviously not an expert, duh, but I think I agree with most of the outward rules (like with most religions) but of course, once you get further into it it gets tricky. Is desire the root of all suffering? Yes, but also desire is what makes life worth it, and I'm not talking about material desire, as is most talked about in buddhism. Of course there are a lot of harmful desires that can never and will never be satisfied in someone. People always want more. Desire is motivation though. It makes things happen, sometimes amazing things. I need to contemplate on it more. Then I can explain what I really mean.

So, today, this wonderful, boundless Saturday. I'm avoiding going to the library with my friend because I don't want to study, even though of course I should. What an effort. Masturbated this morning, cup of coffee for breakfast. Want to eat more but I have not much in my fridge, too lazy to go shopping. I'm going to shower in a bit. Watching Gone Girl the movie, seen it before but enjoying anyways. Lately I think I've developed a sort of innocent crush on a friend of mine. I always want to know what she's thinking about, her opinions on things. She often disagrees with me, and I respect that a lot, because I can be a bit of a my way or the highway person. I always find it attractive when someone so outwardly disagrees with me, or debates me and actually changes my mind. I felt myself looking at her legs the other day, innocently, just admiring the way she walks. She is so graceful, so elegant. I always think of myself as clumsy, even though I probably amen't. I just think she's great. Nothing will happen, and I don't think I want anything to happen. I enjoy this friend crush, and I'm glad.

I have been rewatching Mulholland Drive often lately, I will see it in the cinema next week with my friends. I'm excited for them to experience it. What a great film, God I love and miss David Lynch already. Also, song of the day is Ahead By A Century by The Tragically Hip. I've been loving it lately. Reminds me of being a teenager, long grass, the buzzing of the insects and the silence of the summer air. It reminds me of my first kiss. I was 16, so nervous and so so sweet and green. I had paused halfway through to say 'I don't really know what I'm doing,' and she had laughed, pulled me closer to her on the bench and grabbed my face. I smiled the whole walk home that night, probably even skipped a little on the way. The night air had embraced me as if the whole world was rooting for me. What a night. That's something I'll never forget. Thank god for beautiful girls, innocence, lemon flavoured beer and southern Germany. I am so grateful to be alive. Life is a beautiful mystery. What a blessing.

Ciao Ciao, whoever reads this.

The mistakes we MAKE

The other day, while on my trip to London with dear friends, I said something as a joke that I didn't realise was taken offensively. I feel so terrible! I am so oblivious sometimes...I need to work on having a filter and thinking about the things I say before they come out of my mouth. Jesus. I apologised a lot and she said it's fine but I feel like a dummy. Everybody makes mistakes I suppose.

So I finished the assignment that was plaguing me all week, damn syntax... x bar theory. Soooooo annoying and mind numbingly tiring. It's over for now at least. I also have a wonderful trip to Prague with my friends coming up in March, I've never been there!!! It's so exciting. I love planning things and I love my friends.
Not really much to update today, listening to some good tunes, reflecting on my mistakes and vowing to be a better person every single day. Lately I've been worried that I'm too clingy, maybe I come across as needy? That's probably my worst fear as an 'avoidant' personality type...Working on it... nothing wrong with loving people. That's for damn sureeeeee. I need to clean my shower also. Ciao.

OH!!! P.S.... the other night I rewatched Disobedience, god Rachel Weisz is so hot and so tall dark and handsome. That scene when they're in the house and Lovesong by The Cure comes on the radio is burned into my mind. So sensual and passionate and repressed. Those are like my favourite adjectives ever. If you look like Rachel Weisz, please e-mail me. See below for super hot gif. BYE!!!

Nostalgic Memories & The Eternal Orgasm

I feel better than I did earlier evidently. I was in bed all day after the big weekend trip, recovering from clubbing and drinking and getting no sleep. It was such an amazing trip, but of course threw my brain chem off.

The need to write this entry though is because I was thinking about my ex girlfriend and the amazing sex we used to have. I miss her body, and the way it felt when she was under me. I wanna ride someone again. That could possibly fix me. UGH. We had the most intimate sex ever the last time, she literally felt like velvet inside me, and our kissing was so on another planet. I don't really miss her but I do miss that connection. I came so hard thinking about it today. I miss eating her out and looking into her eyes as she came. I miss how she'd talk me through it, it was always so hard for me, always thinking about everything, how I looked, how I sounded, overanalysing. She was so sweet and gentle. If I hadn't been so fucked in the head it might actually have worked out.

The orgasm as an event/feeling is ever so intriguing to me. I was a chronic masturbator as a teenager, not in a loserish way though. It didn't stop me from having a great social life and a girlfriend and having real sex but it was definitely a thing that I was. I used to have this romantic dream, standing on a pier on a summer day. The sea breeze blowing strands of my hair around. I'd be wearing a hat, and a dress for once, and I'd be holding down the brim of the hat with one hand and waving with the other. The salty air would be so crisp and there'd be droplets of water on the railing. Then, there she'd be, in a blue and white uniform, running to me. She'd pull me into a kiss so destabalising that I'd fall into her arms and she'd hold me strong and fast. It would be a singular, unforgettable moment, something that I would always remember each little detail of. Where's my sailor now???????

I do have a lot to be grateful for, and horny for. I won't delete my previous diary entry because it is how I felt at the time. But I think I'll be okay for now.

The Failure To Be Human

There was a storm this morning. It was too loud and depressed me to no end. I don't know if I'm depressed, maybe just a fundamentally broken person...no optimism. Is it a failure to be a person like other people? What happens when you give a fuck way too much. Who knows. I can't be myself about anything. Do I deserve to be loved? Do I have self worth issues????? Why do I feel like a fundamentally repulsive & detestable girl. Maybe wanting someone to care is what makes me a person. Maybe that's a fundamentally human trait. Maybe people do care, but even If they do, who or what are they supposed to care about when I can't even be vulnerable. Everytime I try to be honest or open up it backfires in the most humiliatingly disgusting ways. If that's not a sign from the universe I don't know what is. Can't really do anything right. Of course having the urge to hurt myself that never goes away, not acting on it. Maybe the one thing that stops me from the narcissism of self harm is the narcissism of not wanting to make myself uglier than has already been done. Even the act of writing on this public website is disgustingly self obsessed. Does anyone 'deserve' anything really? Probably not. Understanding why things are the way they are does nothing to help in fixing them either. Feels like my entire existence is one humiliation after another. The world is so absurd that it can't be reality. Things can't possibly be this way for real. I'm lonely and aching and terrible. The lonliness goes so deep I don't think it can ever be cured. I think that is the way it is. and that fits perfectly in with the complete absurdity of the planet. Like if I died, I wouldn't really die, because that would all be part of the plan. My soul or 'being' would be transferred to another reality? Maybe and hopefully less absurd and terrible? Is that possible or is it another symptom of the rotting that happens inside of my body? Maybe this is a hidden prayer. No optimism today, sorry. I love my friends though, and drawing, and dancing, and reading, and when it's sunny outside. but my entire existence is a humiliation. The foundation is missing.

Back to the monotony

I am depressed today, more so than usual. Everything hurts and I'm remembering all the times I did and said stupid things...I'm on my period but I feel like that can't be used as an excuse for everytime I feel bad. On top of all that I can't even be vulnerable in my own diary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm stressed about everything... my birthday hurt especially hard this year and at risk of sounding teenagery I won't say why (family). My usual optimism is still here but I feel useless...plain and boring. Last evening I attempted to draw like I used to...nothing came out but flat and stiff lines that formed no discernable shape. I feel like worse than everyone but also better than everyone at the same time. There is a word for that: narcissist. I'm going to make a conscious effort to be less of one this year.

No have not being doing 'the thing' thankfully, even though I want to almost every day. NO with age it does not go away. I'm terrified of accidentally stumbling upon my real self. That would be scary and too revealing. And I don't believe in therapy, or psychiatry, or really any type of take this and you'll be less crazy method...but all will be well...I feel it all coming together.

Films watched lately in FEB, terrible Canadian flick 88, so bleh so boring.
Cronenberg Maps to the stars: okay, mia wasikowska is redeeming, Still not as good as crash.
Ammonite: Kate Winslet really hot as the stoic fossil collector, didn't do much for me overall.
The Painted Veil: read the book, thought it was pretty decent, quite loved the film. I love the concept of not really knowing someone until you've both hated and loved them. Chinese landscape is also beautiful.
Heathers: Classic, funny, great, super hot Christian Slater (I wish he was a woman), super cute Winona, lovely colours etc.
Desert Hearts: Okay, I like western stuff, I like long winding roads in the desert, I like women. Kissing is nice. Okay story.
Late Bloomers: Bleh too long, and the butche's haircut was so terrible.
Hard Truths: it depressed me but I kind of understood it. I don't want to be an angry person...

Okay final part, weekend plans, Thursday night meeting Ava, Friday everyone else, Saturday Ava again and then Connor, Sunday long walk (at least 2 hours).

The Golden Gate Bridge (I've never been there)

Been so busy lately, started a new job at the theatre. It's okay but sometimes I hate dragging myself out of bed to go. Been listening to a lot of PJ Harvey. I am going to drink a bottle of wine tonight! Things in my life I once thought impossible have all come true. A LOT TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. So close to getting my drivers license too. So many people to get to know and in getting to know you get to know yourself too and isn't that great. Haven't been drawing enough. Or reading enough. No romance in sight (only because I sabotaged it at every turn...), need to lose a few kilos. STOP SMOKING!!!!!! Smoking is really my greatest vice. David Lynch said It is one of life's simple pleasures. I love the way it smells, I love inhaling it. Too bad it literally turns my lungs black. A nasty habit = my mother's words.

I read a piece from the New Yorker (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/10/13/jumpers) a few months back and I have thought about that damned bridge every day since. I have to go to that bridge someday...Song of today is of course the Sleater-Kinney masterpiece 'Jumpers' which has been one of my favourite songs for years, long before I found out it was based on the aforementioned article. This song makes me feel so sad...Thinking of all the people who felt That was the only way out. Cold water... the human spirit is truly elusive and unconquerable as well as impossible to make sense of.

Whiskey & Coke

A little drunk on whiskey and coke. Contemplating a bad situation I may have gotten myself into. Feeling strange and floaty and detached. Want snack. and another drink. AU REVOIR.

Beauty

Lately (well all the time) I've been thinking about how much beauty means to me, and how much it should mean to EVERYONE!!! When I talk about beauty I don't mean in terms of people, but instead how to make our surroundings more beautiful. In DUBLIN they are currently knocking down one of the mainstreet buildings to rebuild it, and the proposed plans for the new building are to me, and evidently many others, ugly, souless, corportate ugliness. People should care! If we continue to let all of these circlejerk cunts build our cities and towns into horrible grey 'modern' metropolises we don't stand a chance. Of course there's bigger issues in the world, there always is. What I'm saying is it matters what people see when they step outside. People have the right to beautiful surroundings that are pleasing to the eye. Beautiful surroundings can inspire someone and make people happy! When I say this I especially mean working class areas, which of course have been neglected the most in this urban expansion. Everyone deserves beauty. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things it matters a lot more than most people think. Small rant over...

My wonderful life

The fans going cuz it's like 25 degrees right now. I'm painting my nails this glitter blue colour. I feel nostalgic, longing-y and weird. I think I may have to break whatever it is off with the girl I've been tirelessly battling with for about a year now. I hate her so much sometimes but I can't help still wanting her. I think she's my soulmate.. I think she's bad for me. I FLOODED MY CUTICLES FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a dummy. What do I even do in this situation. I don't know cuz i'm an idiot. Just gonna smoke about it. and yeah i need to stop smoking.

THE DAY IS PREGNANT!!

Today feels like it has the possiblity of being a good day, maybe a day where something great could happen. I'm in a good mood. I slept well, had a decent breakfast (tuna egg salad) and I plan to spend the afternoon doing absolutely nothing. Tonight I have plans to see Jane Weaver with my friend and I hope it's good, I also hope we don't get too drunk to enjoy it, which sometimes happens.
Yesterday I had a job interview in the early morning and an exam in the late afternoon. The exam went terribly, I felt for the first time in a long time that I really fucked myself over. I had been so exhausted I barely looked at the class material, hoping I could just wing it and pass. Unfortunately it's starting to look like I may get a pretty bad mark on it. It's only about a third of the class percentage so I'm just hoping my amazing essays carry me through.
Uncharacteristcally, I've been dreaming of romance lately, for the first time in a long time. I wish I could conjure up my past charasmatic self to take over my body when I'm out tonight, but it's looking doubtful. I've been feeling so not like myself, insecure and small, which I hate.
where's the Person who will sweep me off my feet? If I had to fill out an application it would say this: average height, nice tits, great hair, only a little bit arrogant, fun (?), hasn't shaved pits since 2020.
ANY TAKERS????